MY MASQUERADE.

i'm not looking for sweet talk/I'm looking for time

2012-01-22T00:38:00.000+08:00

It's not going down well

And after all this time that you still owe/you're still a good for nothing I don't know

2012-01-13T00:01:00.001+08:00

Dear diary,
guess what,
I got dose of life yesterday.
I finally, FINALLY FINALLY got my pay of a few miserable hundreds
so the very very first thing i did was to re-extend my hair,
something that I've wanted to do so badly for so so so so so so so so so so long
that it wouldn't even make sense to you even if i bled to death from explaining.

SO.
As i was saying.

The place I had to go to was along Paradiz centre,
near that stretch of sleazy Thai pubs and dirty happy-endings massage parlours along Prinsep Street.

So here's the thing.

I KNOW how to walk there from Dhoby Ghaut MRT
cos I've been there many many many times.

But yesterday, I was LATE for my appointment and therefore rushed and walked super fast
while reassuring myself that IT'S SO NEAR DHOBY that i didn't have to worry.

Well guess what,
I HONESTLY DON'T KNOW HOW
but i missed the turning into Prinsep St
and found myself blindly walking, deep in thought,
till I found myself in BRAS BASAH.

I WOULDN'T hve been able to walk from Dhoby to bras basah if i wanted to,
but i ended up there.

SO, i kept backtracking and taking many left turns
and walking back and forth trying to get back to known territory,
when I found myself in some alleyway near some budget hotel.

BUT i continued walking despite feeling like crying.
I just told myself it was nothing new.
Then i eventually found myself in some construction-boarded-up-makeshift-boardwalk
for pedestrians to walk kinda place that landed me near Chinatown.

But eventually, I got angry with myself & angry with the situation
so I decided to walk right up to the main road and hurl myself at a truck.

it when when i walked to the main road where I saw POMO from the corner of my eye
and I was like FUCK YEAH FINALLY YOU'RE DONE SCREWING W ME
so i did a crazy 100m sprint across two huge ass main roads to get to my destination.

so.

That was a huge dose of life for me.
That trip yesterday was alot like life.,
I always always always choose the longer, more painful, time consuming, wrong road.
I would always lose myself and find myself struggling in a foreign place
even when I know EXACTLY HOW to get to my original destination,
i just HAVE to jack myself, like how I always do.

But that's ok,
i've kinda resigned to the fate that my life
is a really miserable joke & I should just
suck it all up and try to laugh at my retardedness for a change.

& while we're on the topic of self sabotage and self-jacking,

I know i'm the Queen of Kamikaze.

I feel like, yet AGAIN
I played my hand wrongly.
I called with nothing, folded with something & went all in when I was supposed to cash out.

Finally,
even though I am Fayme who LOVES TO TALK non stop of
all the existential, psycho-emotional, meta-physical philosophical drama
that goes on in my head, though I love telling people how screwed up and dysfunctional I am,

I've had enough.

I'm officially SICK of explaining myself, my actions, and why I do the things I do.

I don't even understand myself,
so i'm basically an unpredictable, explosive, erratic, illogical, unreasonable monster
on auto-pilot & waiting to explode.

So it's true, that I still don't think I'm worth anyone's anything.

The randomity of nonsensical occurences

2012-01-05T15:03:00.003+08:00

Dear diary,
Hello!
Okay so...
I've resigned from TWG and harassed the HR department
with enough enraged phone calls and annoying e-mails demanding my pay & will be collecting my cheque tomorrow! HAPPY

I've been jobless and without income for 4 months now.
It's been a sadly unfulfilling experience being on the brink of bankruptcy but oh well.

So now I'm on my third day of work at Harry's @ Rail Mall!

Seriously,
I think the major part of growing up,
is doing a lot of administrative nonsense all by yourself.

As a teenager/kid we're used to having things fall into our laps easily.
We're used to being institutionalized where everything
seemingly falls into place naturally and nobody really
knows who this elusive person who does everything for us is.

So now i know the profound difference,
when I have to run around jumping from
one head office to the other,
finding my way around scary and foreign smelling offices,
talking to and seeking the cooperation from
sad, tired and overworked adults

It feels kinda....surreal
I've always been the little girl lost,
afraid of doing anything alone and speaking to strangers
& just simply unwilling to step out of my comfort zone.

But now......
foooooyeah.
I've been thrown out there into society.

It just feels really magical and surreal that I've done so much over the past few months.

TO the extent that...
sometimes I think back and feel that...
like HEY this is happening to me for the VERY FIRST TIME,
and then I expect to feel like...excited, happy, accomplished and...wow,
BUT
sometimes, the things we expect will change our lives often...don't.

Like you had sex for the first time and you expected it to be life changing but.....no
or your mother died and you expected your life to end but.....no
or you landed your first job and expected your life to change but......no

It's like as if.......
everything you always thought you wanted to experience
often turns out to be a mere occurrence. That's all.
No life changing WOW WOW rah rah my life feels complete I've found my destiny in life nonsense.

Things just randomly happen around people,
and people remain constant.

Or at least, I do.

So anyway, enough philosophical diarrhoea

so.
I told Louis that I've fallen in love with him 2 nights ago.
I found out that I wasn't in love w him all the way until recently
something happened which evoked this feeling
inside me that I never felt before...

It' s like that day, I was thinking of the possibility that he would ever
fall in love with someone else that is not me.

Like 5 years from now he'll be loving someone else that's not me.

& the kinda feeling I got was like super upset.

& that was when I knew I started to fall in love w him.

LOL.

esp since im the 3-months-ok-done kinda girlfriend.
Damn ironically funny.
ok done bye. hahaha.

So this is December

2011-12-27T18:55:00.000+08:00

Dear diary,
I guess this calls for my inaugural emotional post,
as it's 27th December and the beginning of a new year looms ahead like disease.

Last year I wasn't happy because nothing had changed,
& i was upset with the monotony
& the feeling like I was living unhappily in a limbo of suspended, unhappy time.

This year,
I would say I feel much more accomplished.

I've done things I never thought I dared,
I've taken risks that I regret,
but hey that's a start.
Feeling pain is better than feeling nothing at all.

I've also realised this profound logic,
that if you never put yourself out there
and take the step for changes,

if you don't fight through your internal sluggish whining,
you'll never get what you want.

&,
the past three years I've been eternally whining
about how my love life is non-existent & pathetic.

Which led me to get into a wrong relationship this year
& lose more than I can ever recover,

but through that short period of unhappiness & self-harm/doubt,
I got something more,

I got into another relationship.
I wouldn't say that's the smartest move ever,
to get into a relationship out of rebound,
or because I'm sad and lonely and tired.

& honestly I do think it was a mistake for me to
jump into it so fast.

I made the same mistake, going all in with nothing.

So it's like, there isn't any chase
& the satisfaction from being chased will forever be unfulfilled.

& I know it's not fair to think, "What do I want from my bf in the r'ship" all the time
instead of thinking, "what can I offer to this r'ship"

but if neither party gets what they want, then nothing can be given back right?

I guess..
maybe I really don't know how to do the whole long-term r'ship thingy.
Maybe I just can't, because I've never, and I don't have any prior experience
to fall back on.

It's always been short and sweet, bam, problems arise, bam, move on.
It works for me cuz I avoid all conflict and arguments at all causes.

I think I'm the problem.
I'm like a black hole,
sucking, wanting and forever needing, unable to be alone.

Anyway,
I know what I want in life already.
I wanna teach. Then go on mission trips to teach English as a foreign language.
I've been wanting that since I as 16.
It all makes sense now.

I can't stand being bored and suffocated and predictable and normal.

Sigh, 2012,
I bet you'll be another year of crazy job-hopping,
mistake-making, defiant tears, another 12 months of not knowing
what the fuck I'm doing.

re-post from 2008

2011-12-23T21:07:00.000+08:00

'' Love hurts;
because those involved are human and have their own weaknesses,
and as long as they have their own distinct personalities,
they'll always hurt each other.
They may not always mean to, but there'll always be clashes along the way, and that's how you test love.
If after all that, you both rise back up and stay strong, you know your love will stand the test of time.''

love;

–noun
2 - feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection.
3 - person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.
4 - to have a profoundly tender, passionate affection for
5 - Sexual passion/intercourse.
6 - To experience deep affection or intense desire for another.
7 - An intense emotional attachment.

Repost from 2008

2011-11-30T16:40:00.003+08:00

Dear diary,

ok, so I've been immersing myself in

endless hit-and-run weird situations.

Well, I mean I guess it is kinda normal and it happens to everyone.

But to me,

when things happen with no meaning,

I just find it weird and it just gives me this butterfly in tummy

nostalgic feelings which doesn't make sense!

Like maybe all I really want is some consistency where

things actually do last and have some form of routine and discipline.

Sometimes when i take a step back and look at my life,

it''s actually remarkably mind-blowing how I'm able to

get myself immersed in so many meaningless hit and runs.

workinng at PCF at Petir,

then The Prep Place at Fernhill Road,

then at MFS at JP,

then The Club Hotel /Ying Yang bar at Ann Siang hill,

then the Bank bar + Bistro at Lau Pa Sat,

then as a telemarketer at PTO at Dhoby Ghaut,

then Bar Bar,

then at A3 bar/bistro at 6th avenue,

and tomorrow I've an interview for TWG.

and in between I changed 7 love interests.

& spent all my money.

& that month in October where I went clubbing twice a week.

It's like,

my point is,

I realised i never know what I want,

and I never really know what I'm doing.

It's like just an endless string of distractions,

and endless string of new experiences

that I create for myself just

to provoke a kind of feeling or realization

of what I want, but the search seems eternal.

Quite ironic isn't it,

how i actually crave quiet consistency

when all I do is impulsive spontaneous rash decisions I definitely regret!!

I swear my life is a joke.

and on an unrelated note,

I removed my extensions for 2 days

and I get fyucking ignored by men!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Damn assholes.

When I had long hair those kinda insurance ppl, ppl at counters, from banks,

generally people everywhere will give me some sort of attention.

But now they overlook me as some young pre-teen teeny bopper

and totally ignore my existence instead of checking me out!!!!!!!!

I AM SO SAD.

Therefore I'm gonna extend my hair yet again tomorrow though I've like 70 bucks

in total personal fortune i.e if i die that's all i leave behind.

I'll still find a way.

2011-11-22T18:18:00.000+08:00

I realised I never ever post pictures!

Just lots of psycho emo philosophical diarrhoea.

Teen pregnancy & shotgun marriages

2011-11-21T20:54:00.001+08:00

Dear diary,
I wasn't intending for the title to look like
a topic in some cliche secondary school essay,
but I've been thinking about these two issues.
Thinking a little too much, actually.

I guess that's what happens when I sleep an average
of 14 hours daily,
I've too much time to think.

I guess,
for a long long time,
I always wanted to know how it's like to get married young,
and have kids super young.

That's why when my friend got hitched
and pregnant all at the same time this year,
I was like holy smokes you're living my ultimate fantasy fairytale!!!!!

I mean,
WHAT could possibly be so wrong?
You're living together w the guy you (hopefully) love,
you see him evey single day
& you get to snuggle w him every night.

& getting pregnant??

You're combining yourself with the man you love
to create a freaking LIFE.

You'd think you'd have to be Jesus to create life but
Hey! watch my fallopian tubes deposit my egg!
Watch that vigourous in out motion deposit semen!
Oh, what wait, a baby!

SO you have a baby together.
It's an indelible mark, an infinite claim,
an indestructable bond you've created between you & the man you love.

You know for sure your man is your bitch already,
he'll be coming home to you,
he's obligated for life to treat you like gold,
& he just can't escape you anymore muahahhahaa.

& you can use the
"BUT YOU GOT ME FAT & PREGNANT,
WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE TOO TIRED TO DO THE DISHES?!" trick on him all the time.

SO all is rosy & fawesome & giddy & rose-tinted,
but then,
I've suddenly woken up from my own misguided fantasy.

IMAGINE.
You're pregnant.
NO MORE late nights, staying up till 7 am & sleeping to 6pm.
NO MORE strawberry frozen margaritas, Martells & Chivas
NO MORE smoking
NO MORE social life
NO MORE fun as you know it.
NO MORE personal me-time, downtime, sleepy-time,
horny-time, leave-me-alone-I-wanna-watch-Grey's-time.

I would imagine my life to be dictated by what I should do,
what I need to do, and what I shouldn't do.

& ppl would stop asking me out
cos it's socially awkward
to suddenly take your nipple out & start feeding.

So you'll have no friends & no social life.
what do you do?
Stay at home.
Stay at home, awake all the time cos you can't sleep
for you baby might choke and die on his saliva.

Stay home, awake, alone, bored, going crazy,
waiting 10 to 15 hours for your husband to come home.

who will be tired & not have sex w you cos your vagina
is all stitched up and disgusting and freaking loose,
he's better off having sex with a beer barrel.

& honestly after seeing a bloody screaming alien
AND the bloody mangled placenta coming out from your va jay jays.
if I were the guy even I wouldn't ever go down on my wife ever again.

so you have no social life,
you life is waiting 10-15 hours for your husband to come home
and not have sex with you & now your breasts' sole function is to be pumped of milk,
and your whole existence is clearing shit, feeding, and waiting, with no sex.

SO. Conclusion,
Even marriage & pregnancy can't keep your man.
& babies are overrated.
So what if they're cute. Eeyore is cute too.

New perspectives

2011-11-16T13:29:00.000+08:00

Dear diary,

Sometimes things happen for a reason.
& sometimes it's a big sacrifice
For something much greater & better.

In any case,
I'm starting to buy the concept
Of group sex therapy a la
the movie Sex & Breakfast
Hahahhaha!!

Sometimes
All it takes is the possibilty
of someone else,
Something risky & unimaginable
& the vicarious thrill
of wht else that could have been.

In a way it was a test for me,
A test that made me realize,
For sure,
That i'm happy & lucky
& such a slut that doesn't deserve
a good guy like my bf!

But anyho,
Now I know.
That
I'm in love.

U swear it's all about the perspective.
Now I know,
What's true & what's not,
What's worth sticking out for
& what's just a pure waste of time.

Seriously I think
All brides should cheat
right before their wedding.

They'll then realize a kind of
Protective & deeply impulsive
Love for their husbands

& end up not going thru
W the cheating &
Loving the guy w/o any more doubts.

Are you mine, are you mine/cos I stay here all the time/watching telly/drinking wine

2011-11-14T04:20:00.001+08:00

Dear diary,
Hellllo.

Confession.

I feel confused.

I guess I've been scarily silent and sulky
so it's unreasonable and unrealistic for me to
possibly expect anyone to understand how I feel right?

That would be just asking for too much.

But then again,
I don't think I'm supposed to feel this way.

Something definitely has to be wrong in the first
place which is making me feel this way.

I feel confused and uncertain all of a sudden.

I mean, it's not like it's a new concept to me,
because I always feel like this,
uncertain, insecure, filled w self-doubt, self-pity,
and isolating stunts.

I love chut-ing stunts that isolate people from me,
pushing people away
and essentially self-sabotaging myself
by doing all these on purpose to make people leave me.

I guess it's kinda like,
I've always known myself to be this way,

that's something i'm familiar with and something I'm used to,

So it's like I always think that I know with such certainty
that I always leave people & hurt people,

therefore i end up doing things that makes my mindset come true,

Im a walking self fufilling prophecy.

I don't know why I feel this way.
It's like.
I am happy, I have all reasons to be happy right now.
It's just that I'm suddenly hit with this sudden realization,
like,

what do I want, really?

& I realized, I really, never, ever know.

Like how do I know I'm in love right now?

Many ppl say it's an indescribable feeling,
where you just know,
beyond any reasonable explanation,

& that it's an unmistakable feeling,

But.
I dont feel it, I can;t feel it,
& im freaking sure it doesn't exist.

But I'm not saying I don't love my boyfriend.
I do feel emotions,
I just don't know what feeling in love feels like.
That's just how damaged I am.

Like, just for the sake of illustrating my point,
I fall under the category of the type of emotionally damaged person
whereby I can't differentiate sex from love because
I don't know what feeling love feels like,
so there's no difference to me.
like, just saying, hahaha.
Not implying anything.

BUT.

I do feel like I wanna be with him,
I wanna stay together,
I care, I wna be there,
I like being together.
& I don't wanna leave,

& I wanna actually, for once,
be in a relationship that doesn't last 3-5 months max.

I guess fundamentally
we're also very different people.
Personality wise,
I am way too free spirited and impulsive and unpredictable
whereas he's down to earth and rational.
LOL.

I mean, in the long run it's definitely good being tgt
cos I will have to grow up someday.

I have just lost sight
of the point i'm trying to make.

I've forgotten what my main purpose and intention is of saying all these.
but hey it's 4.30am. I
'm just blabbering and that should be forgiven muahahhaa.

I guess.
I need more attention and focus.

I don't know why he doesn't like talking to me.

All i ever want to do is talk and talk and talk and talk
about anything and everything.

But still, in any case, I still appreciate him for all the things he's done for me,
& because I 'love' him, I shouldn't be whining and should
just be understanding and go to sleep.

hahhaa.
I say 'love'
because how can i say i 'love' someone
when I don't even know what the fuck 'loving'
someone feels like when I dont normally feel anything.

I wish I weren't so emotionally messed up but HAHAHHAHA kkthxbye.

2011-11-02T13:57:00.000+08:00

Dear diary,

I need a job because I've seriously, literally no money.
Not that kinda "broke" that people claim to be,
when they actually still have a savings a/c,
or they can easily get money from their parents or friends.

I am rock bottom broke, all over again.

I should have borrowed money from him before he left.
Compensation for wasting my time HAHAHA.

ok anyway.

Another day has passed...
I guess I'm definitely much happier now than before!

But wait. flashback.
I guess I never blogged about it,
explained it, or even thought about how my life has changed
& took such a weird, unexpected, random detour.

In retrospect, it's kinda depressing, sad, stupid, painful & shitty.
The worst thing is, it was totally unnecessary
it did not need to happen, it was not supposed to happen.

I inflicted it upon myself,
just like how i've always done things.
I never change, & I never learn.
Just putting the same old willful mistakes on repeat.

Like.... being single for 3 years,
meditating and recovering the mass damage I incurred,
then having an instant, random, meaningless hookup
with some bugger I wouldn't remember.

What a seriously fucked up way to start the show, right?
After all that pent up frustration from waiting for nothing,
wanting to be in love, craving for the dopamine high & ecstatic feeling,
& just randomly hooking up.

I swear, Fayme, you are the single most fucking retarded person on Earth.

SO anyway,
I wasted 3 months of my time & cognitive abilities until
BOOM
somewhere in the middle of the third month, Louis randomly appeared!

So.
I was super bored & unhapppy,
neglected, irritated and under-stimulated,

trying to make things work when they wouldn't normally
have in the first place.

Which made escaping him
& pouring out all my crazy, annoying loud nonsense
onto Louis super fun & easy!

& being with him was so different.
I could say what I want when I wanted to,
i could irritate him non stop w my annoying
tehhhhh nonsense.

& I guess the best part about being
with him is that he listens..
& he actually cares.

Though sometimes i'm sure he doesn't remember
but OH WELL. what can we expect from guys.

But somehow I do know that we've made a tactical mistake,
getting together SO FAST.

In a way it is kinda like another random hookup,
just that this time it's mutual
and we both wanna make it work.

It's just that.........
all my r'ships have been like that.
Instant, random hookups
for not much reason really.
Probably entirely based on bangability LOLOLOOL. Sad.

I don't like it that way,
i'd rather it be built on communication,
connection, conversation, compatibility. Chemistry!
All C's!

I mean.

I'm Fayme.
I want the chase..
not the outcome :(

But whatever it is.
I love my boyfriend ^^

For the first time someone is healing me,
someone is fixing me,
someone is putting me back together,

& it's not just me trying to rehabilitate poor lost souls
& I'm the one gettin' some lovin' instead *wink!!

Goodbye Lullaby

2011-10-06T17:18:00.002+08:00

Dear diary,
yay yay,
I've finally found out that actually,
we are not powerless with no control over our lives.

It's not about being stuck in unchangeable situations,
and having shitty circumstances thrown in your face.

I guess I've known this all the while,
but it's just easy not to do it,
and choose the easy way out,

i.e avoiding, ignoring, projecting.

It feels good, to know that every action you make
has an effect.
& you can see the immediate consequence.

I feel like a little kid who has just
discovered the magic of being able to make things happen.

Although right now I pretty much feel like...
a reckless driver.

Like, to make my impact known and felt by
as many people possible in the shortest period of time,
I'm going around hitting and running innocent pedestrians. Hehehhe.

Actually,
I just came up with a brilliant analogy of myself.

I'm a psycho hit & run driver.
I get the kick out of hitting and running bam bam boom,
because by doing so I feel I am in control & I make things happen.

i.e I'm not helpless and useless.

But at the same time my insurance skyrockets.

Making each following bangs and booms
so much more expensive and painful.

& each subsequent crash kills me more. Yet it fufills me.
Hehehehehe pyscho fuckhead.

okay anyway.

TO be honest here,
I am very sad that I'm losing someone from my life.
Like bam, gone.
It's fucking hard & painful.
But honestly, honestlyyy.
I can't accept it that his feelings for me
can decrease so much, so easily, so fast.

It opens my eyes super wide
& let's me see super clearly
that,
he doesn't really love me as much as he think he does.

& that,
changes everything.

You're so beautiful, but that's not why I love you.

2011-09-25T05:03:00.000+08:00

Dear diary,
I'm a murderer. A killer.
Psycho heartless killer.
But while killing I'm crying.
Crying my heart out.
Heartless, ruthless,
But crying like the bitch that I am.
I create,
I destroy,
& I lose another fucking gigantic piece of my heart & soul.
I feel so much pain while killing
But yet I kill so heartlessly
This, is probably the most pain I've felt in years.

2011-09-19T16:55:00.002+08:00

2011-08-28T22:40:00.005+08:00

2011-08-03T23:32:00.001+08:00

Semi casual serious fling.
Will crash soon.

2011-07-30T15:02:00.000+08:00

It shouldn't be so hard, but it is.

I shouldn't even have to be trying so hard.

2011-07-25T13:49:00.001+08:00

Dear diary,
Nyehh.
This is just random, but.
Have you ever felt like
You could actually see,
From where you're currently standing,
That whatever you proceed with next
Will hurt yourself in the end?

If you dont try, you won't know.
But what if you knew for sure
You'd get hurt, would you still try?

Like suicide attempt only.
& im famous for always choosing
to kill myself.

I'm not being logical at all,
& my thoughts & my actions are totally opposite.
I'm confusing the confused confuser.

urrrrghaaaaayaeeeeeeajzxxvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

2011-07-21T09:28:00.000+08:00

Dear diary,
these past few days have been fucking confusing.

I still don't know what the fuck i want.

For one,
I've been qia-ing MC for FOUR days straight!
& TWO days of MC last week!

So basically I've only been to work 6 days out of 2 weeks.

I should be happy right?
Pontang-ing,
heading down town EVERY single day for eleven days straight.

But instead, I feel like
I'm seriously getting fucking sick
of being a pathetic little time-waster.

I've been wasting time for soooo soooo long already.
Like, seriously
if there ever were a contest on who could waste
the most time doing nothing, I would DEFINITELY
win the top prize, CONFIRM.

It's like if I were to take part in the Subaru Impreza challenge
& just stand there & stone, I would definitely win the car.

URYGHGGHHHSSSSSSSSZ,

This is actually nothing new.
I've always been frustrated with myself
about this issue for a long, long time already.

waiting for nothing, doing nothing, accomplishing nothing.

Just really, really wasting 8 hours,
10 hours, 15 hours doing NOTHING!
& lately I can't sleep till 3 am,
& for some reason will wake up at 7am every morning.

thefuckkkkkkkkkkkk.

I feel super irritated & moody & depressed!

AND I DUNNO WHYYYYYYY

GRAHHHH!!!

I hate entertaining myself!

Okay. Fayme.
Relax. Shut up. Calm down. Focus! Concentrate!
Stop.
Life is good. Life is great.

Caaaalm downn, it's okaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

FUCK YOU SCREW YOU MOTHERFUCKER.
okay.

Done.

Maybe I'm not that nice/patient/tolerant after all!

No regrets; just love.

2011-07-17T18:53:00.000+08:00

Dear diary,
I honestly don't know what the fuck I'm doing,
but I'm doing it anyway! (:

Like, seriously.
My brain is on hibernation mode.
I'm not thinking, & just doing.

Which is VERY unlike me cos i'm normally
the Queen of Overthinking.

&, let me tell you something scary
I can't talk to myself anymore!!!!

It's like when I ask myself anything,
I can't get any response or answers anymore.

GAHH I think I lost myself somewhere in these past few months of crazy.

You'll never change whats been & gone

2011-07-11T07:32:00.000+08:00

Dear diary,
I'm in the bus now,
Otw to work.
I've never felt so unwilling to do something before.
I'm just really not happy with my job.

& yeah.
I'm finally "attached"
after 3 years of running
& excuses.

But it's still the same.
I still face the exact same problems.
It's seriously like i hve this effect
On every single guy in my life.

I always create this distance & barrier & never speak how I feel.
Which is irritating.
Cos honestly?
I can't really feel anything.
& my feel is v accurate.
Oh wellszxZx

koiishikute.

2011-06-30T11:51:00.000+08:00

Dear diary,
June has definitely been my favourite month!

Like BOOM.
I got all the answers I've always wanted to know.

& BOOM
i experienced all the things I left behind from 3 years ago.

& BOOM
now I know exactly what I want.

I keep on running; keep on running & nothing works.

2011-06-26T14:52:00.000+08:00

You ask me what I'm waiting for,

& I'll tell you,

I've been waiting for 3 years,
not for someone,
not for something,
but for myself.

I've been waiting for
me to stop running.

Stop being scared of myself.

I'm waiting for me to have a reason
for me to go crazy & lose myself.

& it;s not easy
to find someone to piew piew piew with
cos I keep running from everyone.

So.

That's really just how it is with me.

I need to know if you're worth me breaking down my defences for :D

Starry, starry night.

2011-06-25T13:26:00.002+08:00

Kee kee kee kee. ((;

This is not who I ammmmmmmmmmmm

2011-06-24T16:45:00.000+08:00

Dear diary,
I am having a major identity crisis.

Fayme decide to kick/slap/punch/drown Ameralyst
and I think Fayme might just be winning.

Fayme. Ameralyst. Fayme. Ameralyst.
Sigh.

Life sucks when Fayme is a nun
& Ameralyst is a slut.

How do I satisfy both whilst upholding Fayme's principles &
not feeling like a slut which is what Ameralyst is?

But I must say i've made progress.

I have totally untangled myself
from my extra-marital affair with my old grandfather.
It just doesn't make sense to be his mistress
when all I can think about is his wife.

I've also totally untangled myself
from my 3 year long ambiguous on/off/on/off/on relationship
with the rich idiot with the maddeningly chio girlfriend.

Yup. That's all. No more.
This is not what I want.
This will never make me happy ever again.
What I want is the blind, crazy....leap of faith bullshit
which is ridiculous yet exactly what i need.

suck.

マジック

2011-06-13T22:13:00.002+08:00

Dear diary,
It's inappropriate.
But I love it.
It's like magic.

陶醉

2011-06-08T10:20:00.004+08:00

Dear diary,
you know how I've always been going on and on
about how i wish to hunt for a middle aged widower/divorcee

so that I can marry him
& capture him
so he will be forced to take care of me
& I can stay at home kiao kah
& be a tai tai & play mahjong?

& that older men are fucking sexy & tiko & etc?

I think my dreams just about came true.

No, I'm not SO LUCKY
that a middle aged widower/divorcee
wants to marry me
& buy me a house with his obscene amount of CPF money,
but middle aged men seem to have sprout out of nowhere (right, go on, act chaste)

I mean..he told me he loved me...

But instead of feeling happy, scandalous & sexcited,
I feel apprehensive & guilty
that I'm having an inappropriate relationship.

Like, all those times when I watch those movies
where the young secretary/assistant
has hot mindblowing, extra-marital sex with her boss who is 30 years older than her,

I'm always like fuckyeah that will be me!!

I'll always be like ahhhhhhh I wish that were me,
I have no moral values, & I am slutty. Perfect.

BUT.

now i just feel weird.
Like i'm slutty & perverted.

Which I AM, but knowing & thinking it is different from doing it.

Life never is as glamorous as it seems ~

离开你我安静地处理

2011-06-06T11:54:00.000+08:00

Dear Diary,

I'm doing it again,
not sleeeping till 3-4 am cos I don't want the day to end,
because I want to stretch it out as long as it can
& hope tomorrow wouldn't come.

Annoying.

& again I've been questioning people
what they do when they're sad, & polling/collating the results
to find the most efficient way of
escaping this huge gaping hole of emptiness.

I'm sick.
When i'm happy,
I'm ecstatically
PIEWWWWWWW PIEWWWW PIEWWWWW fireworks,

& conversely,
when sadness hits me,
it drowns. & engulfs. & cripples.

& these two feelings are the only feelings I feel,
interchanging; overlapping.

& sometimes, more recently.
I feel nothing.

Nothing, other than my self induced highs.

So if you leave me, you leave me broken shattered, I lie.

2011-05-19T21:31:00.001+08:00

Dear diary,
Now, I don't mean to be a dampener
on the grand opening of mondoluxe,
But. Well. Yeah, Fatty died.
& it's significant.
Because daddy bought her for me.
Driving from Westwood to jurong east, west,
& finally to Yishun.
Well, just another wake up call
that life is so transient &
all that blah blah blah.
Heh heh heh.
Well. Death, stop stalking me.

2011-05-19T19:19:00.000+08:00

WWW.MONDOLUXE.BLOGSPOT.COM

Go on. Click! you might be surprised with my newest imports (:

Breathe out; so I can breathe you in.

2011-05-18T23:48:00.000+08:00

Dear diary,
HELLLLO!!!

I'm sorry i've been gone for so long,
pretending to be busy

when i've got nothing to do all day but stay at home
& sit in front of the computer,

HEH HEH HEH.

I'm in a good mood aren't I???

So anyway.

I haven't been updating...
mostly because,
when people stop caring,
I stop broadcasting my life.

BUT REGARDLESS,

I'M EXCITED BECAUSE
I'VE FOUND SOMETHING
TO SPONTANEOUSLY,
IMPULSIVELY DIVE INTO!

you know;
the violin-obsession, blonde ambition
kinda nonsense thingy.

I've decided to try my luck at being an entrepreneur.
The plan is all set up!

Reiko is booking a ticket to Bangkok,
to buy back $1,000 worth of clothes!
hardcore shit.

& i'm importing TATTOO CONCEALERS,
CIGARETTE FILTERS (the fancy metal type!)

AND I'M DESIGNING CAPS !
MUAHAHAHAHAHA.

(check out my design on my facebook wall; imaginary reader)

Okay whatever,
laugh at me & say my dreams are gonna tank,
but heck even if it does.
at least it's something to keep me entertained
cos i'm so fucking bored outta by brains by having nothing to do.
no hearts to break and no broken heart. Life sucks.

oh yes.
TATTOO concealers
are like the best thing ever.
I've always squirmed and wriggled uncomfortably,
mentally praying and wishing my boss/supervisor
will not see my tattoos while im squatting around
and running here and there with my arms full of children.

But, you know,
the fact is,
I've got five bloody tattoos in extremely obvious places.
Retarded, I know.
Story of my life.

SO yeap.
It's like the best thing that ever happened to me;
being able to
not be seen like a skank.

& well yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaap.
Still waiting for something mindblowing!
nothing is able to blow my mind anymore!
I don't know why!
Everything is just like...blahblahblahblah.

Maybe I should try painting walls.
or climbing ladders.

AHHH

too much marathon episodes of private practice.
I'm gonna kill myself
WOOOO I'M GOING CRAZY!!

Carry on my wayward child/

2011-04-16T03:40:00.000+08:00

Dear diary,
Im lying awake, in full make up
& clothes after a long, long day.
I havent bathed & I dont really feel like either.
Though im smelly & sticky
& having a nicotine headache.

& you know what,
Here's 2011; Jan - Apr
I got a big assed tattoo.
I cut my long long hair short.
I changed 4 different workplaces.
I pierced my tongue & removed it (again)
like some lame 14 year old.
I dyed my hair
I bleached my eyebrows
I wore spekkies.
I hugged a cute random stranger
(something I'd never usually do due to my cold, stiff weirdnosity.
I had someone propose to me (but nothing came out of it)
I had someone telling me he'd waste his whole life on me
(but I ignored him & nothing came out of it either.
I squeezed a raspberry w my bare hands (fucking fun)
& I changed 72 diapers
& etc. Etc. Etc.

It's like suddenly I've run out of things to do to
Keep myself entertained,
& it really sucks.
Now I'm back to AUUURGHH ARGGHHH
my life has no meaning blah blah blah.
Sigh sigh sigh,

Save, me.

2011-04-11T19:42:00.000+08:00

Ameralyst

V.S

Fayme

I can't decide who i like more.

But I know shallow guys like

outrageously long hair. Pffft.

Eyes lit/I want short breaths/I found dark eyelids

2011-04-10T15:58:00.002+08:00

Dear diary,
clubbing last night for six hours was super fun!
by the time i got back home it was around 7am
& my thigh muscles were dying.

& the funny thing is that previously
I had the mindset that females who club
are asking to be fucked,

which is actually quite true for some,
esp those wearing tubes and short skirts and high heels.
Like, what? might as well go naked.
& eww, disgusting fashion choice.

But I dunno,
dancing for hours and hours and hours and hours and hours
to mindless repetitive music has magical properties too.

& sometimes, just sometimes,
it feels nice to close your eyes,
put your arms around some cute guy
& hold him close to you.
& imagine.
Though you know you don't mean anything special to him.
There's still that moment.

Fucking sad right.

gosh I need to kill myself.
See? This is the reason why I need someone to love.
Without one i'll start falling in love with anyone.
I just can't seem to cure this sickness in me :(

2011-04-06T02:09:00.002+08:00

Dear diary,
I've discovered something wonderfully awesome!
So it all
Started like this-
This morning I woke up super early cos I was feeling a whole assorted mix of pain.
So I got up and walked to the toilet;
& urghhhherhhh I felt this weird ripping baxooning internal pain.
I sat down on the toilet bowl to pee
& discovered that my uterine lining
had chosen to shed & attack me while I was sleeping!
The cramps were sooo painful
that I just sat there in cold sweat!!!

So after a few fervent prayers
and solemn but fake promises to all the gods I knew of,
The pain just got WORSE
Cos I felt another kinda pain;
The I need to shit!! Kinda pain.

So now imagine feeling two kinds if painful pain simultaneously.
Now imagine squeezing poop out of you while your tummy is cramped & painful.
It was honestly so Bad I could cry!

Then to make it even more hilariously awful, I started getting dizzy from all the squeezing.
It was like I was miscarriaging and shitting out the baby!!!
Super realistic actually, you should have seen the toilet bowl full of blood!

Right, so I felt like I was gonna pass out,
& I actually started puking.
So I decided I couldn't shit out my baby so he should just shove it,
& I went to roll around in bed, in pain.

& that is WHEN A MIRACLE happened!!
I have discovered the secret powers of porn & pain relief!!!!!!!
Let me explain.
I was about to google possible cramp remedies,
So I took out my iPhone and opened safari.
Then, it started to load the previous, unclosed page.....
& that was...mariaozawa.net!!!
So I ahem inadvertently ahem stumbled (right) into a wonderful porn site!!!

& I swear, porn has sone serious pain relieving magical properties.
I'm not freaking kidding!
The whole hour I was in bed with Maria, I felt so so so soo much better.
For reasons unexplainable!!
Go try this at home!
Slit your wrists and watch sone Maria and see if the pain mysteriously disappears!!
Or maybe it just works on me cos Im sick. Well, who knows (((((;

There is something i could never give you; my heart would never be a whole

2011-03-24T22:58:00.001+08:00

Dear diary,
I finally kinda see it.
4 years ago when I got my first tattoo, I was like;
Oh whatever, it can be covered with clothes.
Or hair. Or scarves, lanyards, banana leaves, huge ferns,
Dinosaur figurines, concealer, fake skin,
Excessive sarcasm, an inflated ego & sense of self worth & etc.
Then I got another tattoo the next year.
& the following. & the following & the following & so on,
I shall not be pedantic.

It all started one not-so-fine, in fact it was extremely
hot day. My colleague who seemed nice and friendly
and open and etc. saw one of my tattoo one day due to my defiance
towarda longsleeves and torture.
After that the seemingly nice and cheery
Colleague just froze over with the
Suffocating awkwardness,
Uncertainty & uncomfortablenosity.

& I can't wear anything!
Can't be low cut it I'll show my chest tattooes.
Halter necks cover my neck/back piece,
but exposes the back if my shoulder.
It's really freaking annoying, time consuming tiring
Having to squirm and hide and pull my clothes here & there
Whenever some Lao jiao cones close.

It's like; fuck- why am I hiding here and there
Being so worried of being found out.

I mean, 10 out if 10 times I've had negative reactions.
It's not like I'm overzealous,
Stupid & idealistic. Or even trying
To convince that hey, I'm just your average,
Run of the mill slight psychopath just like you.

I'd rather be alone than be friends with such
shallow & judgemental people..

A long night spent with your obvious weakness; you start shaking at the thought/

2011-02-23T13:51:00.000+08:00

Dear diary,
I'm actually feeling quite...
Neutrally amused, which is always a good thing;
coming from me :)
Anyway..
I did it, i've resigned
from my current workplace!
Now i'm torn between
Paragon & stevens road.
Yeah and well,
Nothing really mindblasting
Has happened.
Jusjust going through my depressing
String if distracting obsessions;
From sports bras to fake moles to food binges to macarons to baby food to Matthew Bellamy's breathing noises. And my closetful of
weird, expensive novelty smoking gadgets.
LOL.
i've got issues.

Smile, an everlasting smile, a smile can bring you near to me.

2011-02-20T10:30:00.001+08:00

Dear diary, you know those dreams where you dream someone you love and miss just died and left you? I woke up crying cos it wasn't just a dream. They're so many things we haven't done together and so many promises and conversations we owe each other for we never had the time. I just want you to come back home late at night with chicken chop for supper. I want to watch old cheesy wang jing hongkong movies with you. I want to have hk drama marathons with you till 6am. & then have you send me to school at 8am, speeding in your black bmw. Then you'll vrooom in though im late and the gate is closing, & proceed to zuai-ly park at the tescher's lot.. Until Mr. Boh gets so pissed he tells me a bmw doesn't make me un-pinishable, in which you will give a smile to Boh & hand him your lawyer's name card, Telling him to fck off in a roundabout way... I miss you. So much... Though we only had Sunday lunches & morning drives, You can't hear me, but i love you. Despite everything & anything. Your life was a glory & i'll find strength in it, to be like you, & make you proud.

2011-02-09T19:47:00.001+08:00

Dear diary,
I'm freaking exhausted!
But i'm still gonna boast with whatever strength I have left!

Guess what,
yesterday I had a PAP/company dinner...
It wasn't your usual dinner,
it was those kinda 8-course noisy cheenaku dinner!!!

you know,
those kind with getai singers,
too much red and gold,
with distasteful cheena/hokkien songs???

Those kinda with auctioning
with loud men shouting, "jit siaaaa, neng siaaa, saaaa siaaaa!!" ???

I'm freaking amused by all the hokkien songs!!
"jit bai eh ho sey liao!!!""
hahahha.

& WAIT FOR THIS...
THERE WAS EVEN A HUGE ASS CAI SHEN YE
that I was terrified of!! TERRIFIED!

I've always been petrified by men in mascot suits,
even powerpuff girls or like, Bob the Builder!!

& there was this really hot Indian rapper too. LOL

Okay.

You know what else, dear diary??

I am really, really, exhausted. Tired.

I've never felt so tired before,

where sleeping doesn't cure the huge

engulfing feeling of lethargy.

It's the kinda tired where every half an hour

you check your watch and go like,

nicotine........................

coffee...........................

icy water..................

lemonade..............

sigh.

Need to get married soon!!!!

Shall go hunting for middle-aged widowers/divorcees :D

2011-02-04T20:51:00.000+08:00

Dear diary,

I woke up at 3pm today after an extremely long night
& realised i had to be at my Uncle's place at 4.

So i got up from my bed,
still in last night's smelly & sticky clothes,
full makeup, AND my contact lenses
still stuck in my eyes!

So i showered, got dressed,
and reapplied makeup on top of my smudgey
dirty makeup from yesterday!!!

I dunno, I just find it super fascinating
that I'm like that. That's like one of the
core things i love about myself :D

Alright!
Time for emo Fridays with Fayme!
You know something,
staying out late,
ton-ing the whole night,
drinking, smoking, gambling...

All these stuff never really changes.
It's just the same old, same old.
Nothing new, or really exciting.

What really makes it special and like,
worth it, is who you're hanging out with.

Which is kinda sad, cos im not that excited and all..
Stupid. Still looking for that magic
that comes with novelty and childhood innocence,
which i'm unfortunately too tainted to experience anymore.

So anyway...
shall just sit around trying to look pretty.

2011-01-29T01:43:00.002+08:00

A pictorial summation

of how I want

my life to be.

2011-01-24T21:06:00.000+08:00

Dear diary,

I don't feel like talking so much.
SO!
I bought a violin!!
It's like, impulse buying at it's greatest.

One day,
I just suddenly remembered this
super sexy all-female violin/cello-playing band,
so i went to google them & YES! it was BOND.

SO i listened to their songs and
fell in love with Victory,
and just decided on the spot that i wanted a violin
and BAM!
the next day i came home with a violin :D

& as with all my sudden obsessions are,
i totally immersed myself into violin-playing,
like really- devote HOURS to it!

& NOW!!
i've got this sudden fascination with delivering sermons.
& I really, really, really am dying to give a sermon at someone's funeral!!!!!!!!!

I can imagine, myself..
standing behing the podium with the mic & all.
It will be a very sombre and grave affair,
& everyone will be seated, not making a sound.

Then i'd start my speech.

I can imagine my posture, my tone, my expression.

Then i'd say,
"To die, is gain. We gain a better body.
A glorified, (dramatic pause) immortalized (dramatic pause w hand gestures and piercing eyes) and resurrected body."

HAHAHAHA,

I can imagine everyone hanging on to my every word and crying
& finally ending in a group prayer.

I know i probably sound really offensive, immature and insensitive.
BUT, no, really.
I know more about death, and funerals and loss,
more than anyone should know.

It's just my personal morbid, sick sense of FML humour at work :D

& finally, dear diary....
I really really need more testosterone in my life.

THey just...complete me, complement me
&.....lift me up from my usual sadness.
Guys actually make me BUBBLY.
& trust me on that, I am NOT a bubbly-happy person!!!!!!!
Tsk, fayme, fayme.

Hold my hand harder; ease my mind.

2011-01-16T10:44:00.000+08:00

Dear diary,

I love sitting on lumpy couches in dark little cafes,
where they're little people around;
talking about everything & anything.
Hopes, dreams, wants, fears, personal history, views.

For me, that's the best part of getting to know someone!
But the real issue is, what happens thereafter. Isn't it?

So anyway.
I'm losing it, slowly. For the past three consecutive nights,
i've been having dreams....nightmares...involving my children!
they're running around, i'm shouting, they're jumping, i'm screaming....

I need a holiday, or alcohol, or Grey's anatomy marathons with loadsa blankies & pillows ):

2011-01-13T22:57:00.000+08:00

Dear diary,
& I wanted to be all you need,
but somehow here is gone. LOL

I'm sick of hit & runs.

2011-01-09T13:29:00.001+08:00

Dear diary,

I was down with fever & a throat infection the whole of yesterday,
& all I did was lie around in bed till my temp peaked to 38.4 degrees.

& Damn!
I realised I've been sick really often.
Like,
in the past 2 months I've had
2 major hangovers (nausea, vomitting, hell)
& I've been down with fever twice.

UGH.

But you know,
apart from the obvious pain & annoying-ness
of falling sick, there's one seriously sick upside.

LOSING WEIGHT!!

Today, I woke up & found out I lost my voice.
Then I went to pee, brush my teeth & bathe
& BAM!!!
I looked into the mirror & got a pleasant surprise!

MY TUMMY WAS DAMN SMALL HAHAHA
Like,
to the extent that I could see my hipbones jutting out;
& suddenly my narcissism took full reign
& I started turning round and round
& realised my love handles were gone!

Awesome right.
Fall sick four times in 2 months & voila I'm at my ideal weight.
SO yeah,
I've uncovered the secret to a fab body!

1)Sleeep alot (so you won't feel hungry/compelled to eat)
2) Eat really boring stuff like porridge/noodles in soup. (Low calories! Low fat!)
3) Drink lots of water (so you'll feel too full to eat.)

Muahhaha super happy.
Okay. Moving on!

I wonder why people like to hit-and-run me.
Do I have a sign on my forehead
reading, "Take, Take & Take, but you'll never have to give" ?

I just want it, to be mine, to be able to smell it, poke it; feel it.

2011-01-06T20:38:00.004+08:00

Dear diary,

It's my third day of work
& I think I might die soon.
I take 3 classes back to back;
41 kids, 41 names, 41 running, crying, peeing, noise producing kids.

I swear,
my back & my knees hurt like shiat.
I mean, which 18 year old has to ever say that??

& it's damn funny,
cos I've this one Indian Indian kid (born in India LOL)
who only speaks Tamil and very very very little English.

SO,
it's damn amusing when he comes up to me,
grabs my arm, looks right in my face,
shakes his head from side to side
and ask me a question in a full, complete sentence in Tamil.
KLOL.
I mean, seriously,
was he expecting me to shake along & answer him?
But, whatever.
He's super handsome; so he can get his way with me anytime,
& he knows it!

Okay.
Apart from that,
My life has been just, really tiring.
it's like,
sometimes i'm able to live life slowly
& calmly in my own zen bubble,

but sometimes,
I switch back to my 'I-want-this-this-this-and-this' mode,
desperately searching for meaning to my existence
& looking for someone to come validate me.

Currently,
I'm in my shitty mood whereby
impatience & self-pity clouds my mind!!!

(& I'll change, if it needs to be.)

2011-01-03T13:06:00.002+08:00

I'm kinda fixated with this photo.

Can't figure out why though. Hmmm.

& I bet that I can make you believe in Love, Sex & Magic.

2011-01-03T00:03:00.002+08:00

Dear diary,
WHY CAN'T GUYS
WHO LOOK/DRESS/SMELL/SING/TALK/WALK
like Matthew Bellamy fall hopelessly in love with me???????????

Love his rocker, cool, can't be bothered vibe.

Anyway!
Enough of unattainable fantasies,
as all of mine usually are.

How was your New year??

For me,
mine was kinda depressing.
I stayed up till 8am the next morning,
playing poker, pwning people,
doing squats and running around the pool
as forfeits & penalties.

OH & GUESS WHAT.
2 bottles of Martell were brought out,
& everyone was in the drinking spirit,
& I did lose a few rounds of up-down & Indian poker...

BUT......wait for this....

I DIDN'T drink more than a mouthful of Martell!!!

YES! ME!!!!!

Normally I'm like gulp gulp gulp
but this time i totally didn't even drink.

Fayme, good job :D !

My Mother Of All Hangovers
on Christmas did the trick-
I never ever wanna get a hangover ever again.

SO anyway...
I was staring at the sky...
desperately, unwillingly watching
the inevitable passage of time.

What am I so afraid of?

I'm afraid the New Year
won't bring anything new,

I'm afraid things will stay
the same as they are,
& nothing mind-blowing
will happen to me,
just like the last year.
And the last.

I'm afraid I'll be disappointed.

Disappointed that I'll still not
be anywhere near what I had
planned out to be.

Ahh, whatever.

Sometimes I feel,
life is just a game of distractions,
crazes, phases;
just a series of new-found resolutions,
goals and plans that do not last.

What am I actually headed for,
amidst the superfluous
& seemingly random,
yet defining moments, events
& perspectives of my life?

I guess we will never know.
SO I should stop whining
& start ......
stumbling around, hoping not to live my life with regret.

You can love the life you're living, or you can live the life you love.

2010-12-29T00:01:00.000+08:00

Dear diary,

Today was horrifically grah.

Went to work really early today,
waited for half and hour to be let in,
to be the ONLY ONE
working the morning shift
in the big-ass ulu place.

& during lunch-time,
there was nobody to eat with!!

When my boss reminded me
that it was lunch time,
I was like......oh.

So i stepped outside,
into the HDB carpark area.

Then i looked around,
trying to quickly formulate a plan in my head
as to where to go cos I felt super lost.
(HDB estates have the effect on me.)

So I walked to this Kopitiam place,
circled it twice,
whilst kicking myself
& psycho-ing myself
to grow a pair of balls and order some food.

BUT,
guess what I did?
I circled around the place yet again,
before going to a second Kopitiam,
which was just as bad, if not worse...

& all the while I was whining
in my head in the annoying high-pitched
"ohmygod!! I dowaaaaaan!! I don't daaaaaare!!"
bam-bam-shoots-my-head-way.

I dunno!
Maybe I'm just lame,
but I can't order food from Kopitiams.

It's not that I'm thaat
super stuck up or anything,

It's just that,

THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS
I CAN'T DO ALONE ARGHJ.

& by about 1pm i was freaking starving
& yet still I DIDN'T DAAARE to eat alone.

SO
I headed my way back to my workplace,
& saw this row of mamashops..
& guess what I did?

I bought this pack of HL milk.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#$%^&*(

Let me preface this by saying,
I HATE MILK!

I normally only drink milk under intense
pressure & threats from my mom
saying she's gonna spank me
& hide all my makeup,
& normally that doesn't even work.

So...yeap.

Pathetic, Fayme.

Just like that,
I undid everything that I had been building up!
Everything I had worked for!

Just like that,
My whole resolution
of breaking free form my usual,
irrational paranoias & fears went to waste!!

SAD SHIZ.
Looks like I gotta pack
a lunchbox to work!!

Fuck!
I am such a geek!

Sometimes I can't believe
that I am that Fayme Ameralyst
who is daring & spontaneous
& reckless & stupid & obnoxious
& loud & bimbotic & free.

AHHHHH my life sucks balls suddenly.

I mean,
I wasn't like that previously.

I was that girl
who'd decide on something impulsively
& just jump into it & go all the way.

I mean, a couple of years back,
I was that girl who,
BAM called up this guy
BAM told him I liked him
BAM went out with him
BAM made him choose me & fall in love with me
BAM attempted to kiss him in the parade sq during assembly
BAM got my kiss rejected
BAM got humiliated
BAM (I can't remember what happened thereafter.)

My point is,
I could just BAM and decide to do things.

Even if they're horrible decisions
I'll live to regret.

Right now I'm just this weird freak
who second guesses herself
on whether or not she needs to pee!
(Tsk, analogy, dude??!)

I'm just super full of self-doubt,
pacing around,
with a zillion thoughts running
through my head,
over a question as simple as, "What's your name?"

Under my calm,
slow-replying,
slightly uninterested facade

I'll be like ohmyshiz ohmyshiz
Should i say Fayme?
Or Fay-me?
Or Fayme Ameralyst?

Wait, do I like you?
Do i see potential in this friendship?

Should i bother telling you my full
name and agreeing that's it's so uncommon,
when I obviously know that?

Should I correct you if you invariably
pronounce it wrongly even on the fifth try?

Sigh, Fayme.
Sometimes your weirdness drowns me
& I just wanna be Ameralyst for a change.

2010-12-27T04:28:00.000+08:00

OMG.
Dear diary,
I am damn weird.
I'm awake & hungry at 4.30am,
eating my supper i just whipped up:
white noodles, bits of random pork leg, seaweed & soup.

Seriously,
something is wrong with me
& my crazy ass gastric!

& I couldn't get any sleep at all!

From 2am-3am,
I was tossing and turning in bed, thinking about tattoos...
Like, where I wanna get inked,
when I wanna get inked,
and which tattooist do I wanna get inked by,
& what would guys think about my ink...

Then I was fantasizing a witty, funny, clever
comeback to tell guys who don't like girls with tattoos..

Something like, " get that stick outta your ass," or something...

Then from 3am onwards,
my mind drifted off to random stuff
like Titanic, hot carriage sex, you jump I jump...
then I thought about travelling,
and random events like me piercing Jocelyn's tongue
and making it bleed and bleed...

Seriously, I was thinking of SO many useless,
nonsensical things that I couldn't sleep at all,
& then I got super hungry,
& there I am now, eating my noodles...
nom nom nom yummy slurrp :D

2010-12-23T00:57:00.001+08:00

Dear diary,
Life is a joke!!

I know, I always say it like it still surprises me.
BUT seriously, this is epic funny and ironic
in a FML kinda way.

Imagine yourself to be flat-lineing for so so so long
& then suddenly, BAM!
In one day, so many things happen.
SO many things you've been waiting, longing, begging to happen.

I've been proven, time and again,
that fate sucks balls.

I guess it's a great thing for my slutty heart
but a horrible thing for my ever-compounding karma.

2010-12-22T00:13:00.000+08:00

Dear diary,

Ahhhhh!!!!!!!!
after six, entire, full days of nua-ing at home,

It's finally time to go back for classes tomorrow!
SIGH.
If i'm dreading 3 hour classes,
I think i'm gonna die in an 8 hour job.
Which is looming ahead like a tumour/cancer!!!!!!!

But, oh well. Shall knock myself out every night as compensation.
& you know whaaaaat,
my back hurts alot & I think I've permanently
squashed my boobs to an A cup
cos I've been lying flat on my tummy on my bed
THE WHOLE DAY!!

Anyway!
I'm suddenly, weirdly feeling like my 15 year old self
who used to cut classes and escape from school
& play hookey so much that it became an international sport;

& ahhhhh!
For some weird reason I feel like getting drunk,
one "one times good one" before I officially start work.

& lastly, dear diary,
I discovered a pattern today.
I have a terrible, horrible effect on every guy i know.
& it's always the SAME EFFECT.
LOL.
joke!

2010-12-20T19:44:00.000+08:00

Dear diary,
Life, fate, destiny, serendipity.........
They're all weird.
It's so changeable & indefinite.

I wonder if I actually do have a hand in
everything that happens around me.

Is is my tactical mistake,
or is it something more?

Ahhrgh, frabbitz..

Anyway!!!!

Time to shut off my over-analytical, paranoid brain
& crushing self-doubting.

I shall determinedly think of something cheerful!
Like Christmas Eve!!!!

Guess what,
I'm super excited & touched
that Chalene invited me to catch a musical with her!!!
I mean, musicals!!!!
Broadway!!!
Chicago!!!
The Necessary Stage!
Toy Factory Productions!!!
Moulin Rouge!!

I love them!
I'm supposed to bring a plus-one but,
seriously....who on earth watches musicals but French-film watchers like me?

SO, anyway.
Weird mood right now. Needa call some chicks for intense psychotherapy!

2010-12-17T01:10:00.002+08:00

Dear diary,

you know,

I've always been always

waiting for the rapture.

I guess I am just that

kinda person,

who constantly needs to be stimulated

by the things i define important.

But that's really sick and sad

because when that elusive

& rare rapture does show up,

it almost always end in disappointment.

Which is why I'm always obsessed with The Magic.

I mean,

that's really the whole point.

But anyway I know you're bored,

& I already am bored myself,

of hearing myself boring myself

with my annoying lack of magic.

but, oh well.

It is what it is.

2010-12-12T00:26:00.002+08:00

Dear diary,

I hate Christmas.

Well,

I don't celebrate it

& I don't get Christmas presents either.

'Tis the season to be jolly?????

Right now,

jolly, to me, is lying in bed,

playing Bunny Flags

with endless supplies

of Snapple, Ribena & Caprisonne.

It does sound kinda pathetic

but hey,

it doesn't get any better than that for me.

I dunno how, or why

& it kinda sucks,

but yet i still kinda enjoy it.

& statistically speaking,

the December-January period

is the season for the most number of

suicides that are depression-related.

I can totally relate to that.

Another year has gone

& i've done nothing much.

Then I realise that that's the exact same.

thing I said last year,

& I get even more depressed!

but, ah well.

I'm gonna go back to entertaining myself

(I've done that for 2 freaking years,

I'm getting sick & tired of myself already.)

& yes!

I suppose it'll be much easier

to entertain myself

now that I've got a new distraction

in the form of a new job!!!!

Since I've already completed most of my modules

& only have to go back to school once a week...

I'm gonna drown myself

in saliva and mucus

and gooey bits of chewed up food :D

& lastly!

Dear God/Santa

though I don't believe in either of you,

Please send me a cute guy

who doesn't own an iPhone..

A guy who listens to indie music..

A guy who will watch Chicago..

A guy who can actually talk to me in sentences that

are more than 5 words long.. I mean, seriously?!

& this time, God/Santa,

send me someone who doesn't make

any thinly veiled attempts

to psycho-analyse me poorly using my own words!

Someone who doesn't correct his words

& change his ideas and opinions

to suit mine..

OH well.

2010-11-28T20:36:00.002+08:00

Dear diary,

Mama said,

I'm infinitesimally dumb

for throwing caution to the wind.

I hate to spit this out,

but I do regret.

Regret not loving myself more.

Regret not regarding myself with more self-respect.

I regret having the mindset that i was severely broken,

and that all i needed was fixing.

Through this notion,

I became uber needy and sticky

and possessive and hopelessly clingy in

any form of relationship,

be it friend or boyfriend or random stranger.

I am not broken or damaged or hurting.

I do not and will not ever think that

I do not deserve good things.

I will not ever make anyone my everything

ever again in my life.

I will be selfish.

I will stop my self-loathing.

I will never let myself be in the position

whereby someone is overpowering me

while i'm weak & submissive.

Never, again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

okay. Done!

I'm Fayme Ameralyst.

2010-11-26T18:55:00.004+08:00

Dear diary,

yay!

I shot a basketball

into the hoop four times today!

Yes!

Me!

The one who hates basketball

& guys who play basketball

& neglect their girlfriends

who sit around waiting like an asshole!

& i played badminton!

Woo!

Yes,

These are the things that i'm

gonna add to my bucket list.

My bucket list of

things to do before I start working

& signing my life away....

1. Try things that I've always wanted but had no balls to do.

(Talk to random strangers, say hi to people, wear anything I want, break free etc.)

2. Get wasted & suffer three days of hangover.

3. Spend a weekend hardcore-ly playing whatever on the computer.

4. Go out sightseeing like a tourist.

5. Bake cakes for a week for ddqo.

6. Open my mind & break away from my usual fears & paranoia.

Yup, that's it.

You can do it, Fayme!

Take a rest from your P.O.H

& stop lusting after a 15 year old boy!

You can do better, you lecherous paedophile! :D

2010-11-24T21:50:00.003+08:00

Dear diary,

I feel like an unresolved mess.

It's like,

I haven't really gotten

to the bottom of things,

& i haven't really found that closure.

You know,

those success stories that you hear about all the time?

Like,

this guy once said

that after his father died,

he fulfilled his dying wish

by getting his act together

& worked/studied super hard

& eventually became successful

& brooding, mysterious;

albeit a heavy drinker/smoker/womanizer.

LOL i just described my perfect sexy damaged guy.

I mean,

such monumentous tragedies

ARE SUPPOSED

to change you in some way,

good or bad.

It's supposed to make you stronger.

Make you cooler,

like in the sense that nothing

else in life can faze you;

as there's nothing worse that

can ever happen to you anymore.

But I've done neither,

I'm still weak, insecure

& emotionally erratic

with no drive in life except in my

Pursuit Of Happiness,

which, in my case,

has just about frozen

in a sad limbo of suspended time.

Perhaps the only change in me is that

i've become slightly alcoholic

with huge ass Daddy issues,

& questionable relationship/ life choices

but hey, that's nothing new.

Therefore,

it mildly disturbs

& irritates me that i haven't changed.

It's like i'm my own worse enemy

& i need someone to put a

harness on me

& drag me someplace else.

But, ah well.

In the mean time,

till something more

meaningful decides to pop up

to make my life worth living again,

I shall keep waiting for nothing.

(Shut up about starving African babies

& orphans and disaster-struck nations.

It wouldn't change my depressive nature

even if i bled my heart out for them.)

2010-11-19T23:14:00.002+08:00

Dear diary,

Hello!

I'm back from Taipei.

I know,

I'm usually more eloquent/witty/funny than that.

But, I guess,

I'm still quite sad that i lost my laptop whilst transiting

airplanes in Hong Kong!!!!

I know i do a killer Hong Kong accent,

& i love har gaos

& xiao long baos,

but sadly, the ground crew

couldn't speak a pip of English, & that was that.

My almost-new lappy,

with a huge ass picture of Ewan McGregor

as my wallpaper,

whose 24-month installment has not been paid up.

FML!

How did i lose it, you ask?

Well. I was in the toilet,

so i placed my lappy on the mirror that

was right smack in my face.

However, i got too distracted

by my beautiful eyes

& dazzling complexion

that when i turned to leave,

it completely didn't register in my hazy mind

that the lappy in front of me belonged to me.

Anyway,

in case you were wondering,

I'm still the same,

hopelessly lecherous but

equally hopeless in my Pursuit Of Happiness

(i.e find a straight guy who speaks as fast as me

& sees the things i see,

preferably with nice neh-nehs for my squeezing pleasure.)

& yes!

I frenched a girl & i didn't like it. At all.

I am hundred percent into Chromosome XY.

I know,

it's not like you needed to know,

but i'm proud of it okay!

I haven't kissed anyone for years!!!!

SAD!

It sucks that

all the guys i've met

have really retarded names/nicknames

and/or can't spell/grammatize!

Or worse,

guys who grope me

& make me pay for their movie ticket!

& the worst!

Guys who pester for phone sex!

Guys who ask you about your masturbation habits!!

Sigh.

Where have all the nice, shy geeks gone?

Anyway,

on an unrelated note,

due to my inner mourning for my loveless plight,

I'm taking the plunge! ;D

2010-10-28T20:49:00.002+08:00

Dear diary,

Soo....

Today was pretty fun!

Woke up early and went to see my shrink!

Yep,

had a follow up appointment

with my dear psychologist,

& you know what,

I don't feel

that psycho anymore.

Not that that is due to

the visit to the shrink,

but i guess,

i see clearly now the rain's gone.

Like, when the shrink asked me

if i had any problems or

wanted to tell him anything...

I had nothing to tell!

I guess I really am

over the crazy shit i do.

I mean, apart from the obsession

with drinking and smoking

& *hallucinating

about snorting lines of coke,

I'm totally harmless!

& that's great.

I mean,

no more sitting around crying,

no more mad impulses

to do something

exciting every 3 minutes.

But i am still a little masochistic still.

Like,

I was so bored that i started

biting my tongue

and really chewing on that little pink thing.

By the end of the episode of Californication

I was watching,

I had actually made my tongue bleed internally!

Super cool.

There's like this reddish-purple

blotch on my tongue

that hurts but doesn't bleed!

Okay, right.

Probably shouldn't be so happy about that.

And!

Class today was fun!

Yes, that's what i fucking said!

Unbelievable.

I mean, my group enacted

the 3 Little Pigs

& I was the Big Bad Wolf from Hong Kong,

speaking in my Hongkee accent

& fantasizing about turning each pig into

Bak Kwa, Char Siew Pau & Pork Floss

whilst eating suckling pig.

It probably sounds really lame now

but i swear,

I am awesome at stand-up, slap-stick comedy.

& I improvised all that genius on the spot!

You gotta give it up to me,

I'm a born actress.

People get the runner's high,

I get the actor's high.

I should fucking do theatre!

Hmm....what else....

Oh yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

I've made up my mind,

no need to think it over.

If I'm wrong, then I'm right,

No need to look no further!

I've decided to go back under the neeedle

& finish my unfinished business!

I mean,

I really don't see the point

in me not finishing up my tattoos

& making it look more 'complete'

& not so patchy....

I mean,

I have tattoos.

That's the irrevocable truth!

Fucking suck it up,

deal with it, it ain't going away.

I'm just gonna look like a messed up slut but.

Oh well!

You can't always get what you want !

So,

i've decided to add more stuff on my back

so the rose/lotus/char siew/ugly fuck

that cost me $100 and the butterfly

don't look so piece-ey.

I'm gonna get a swallow!!

I flying, coloured, OBVIOUS-looking one.

It peeves me that

NOBODY

can see and understand

that the thingy

on my left neh-neh is a swallow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2010-10-17T00:38:00.002+08:00

Dear diary,

These are the things

i loved the most about today.

I loved screaming,

singing and dancing to Teenage Dream.

I loved

Sucking fags,

downing Mojitos

& sipping Shandy while

watching hot girls pole dance.

T'was obviously not the smartest health choice,

but I must say it was fun,

if I ignore the fact that I'm unemployed,

not getting pocket money,

and that my account only has $2,000 left

before I'm officially broke!!

Say NO to alcohol!

Open wine bottles instead!!! (:

2010-10-13T19:45:00.003+08:00

Dear diary,

Nyet.

I going on a mind-blowingly

nerve wrecking job interview tomorrow!!!!!!

I'm definitely

gonna miss being unemployed,

but i'm running out of

moneyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.

It's like,

i looked at those fancy schmancy

things i enjoy buying, like organic herbal balms

with pictures of cute bears on it,

& i wanted to buy it soo badly i swear i almost cried,

but it cost like $18 for 28grams

and i just spent $80 on bloody alcohol.

I mean,

who charges $80 for

three cocktails and one pint of ale???????

Seriously!

Alcoholic drinks are madly overpriced.

Like super.

I went to read up extensively on how to make

some drinks like Midori Sour,

Long Island tea, Zombie and Pink Lady,

& it's soooo easy to make.

I swear i can do it without even trying.

I bet i can even do the backhand throwing

and tossing around of vodka & gin bottles lor !!!!!!!!!!!

Blooody hell.

Anyway,

It has always been

my secret dream/ambition

to be a sommelier

or a bartender, or heck, even a barrista.

I know, only buay tak chek ppl do such things,

suits me cuz i'm a brainless bimbo...

but hell, that's my dream.

I guess I'll be holding onto this long-term dream

to open up a bar with $80,000 capital,

and the rest will be history.

I know!!!

I will cash out all my insurance policies,

& then, HUAT AHHHH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :DDDD

I don't care if my mom says

It Will Never Happen,

because

One Day I Will Prove Her Wrong.

LOL.

Oh welllllllllszzz.

i guess i hope i land my job tomorrow,

& i will disappear from the face of Earth

as i throw myself into my work.

I'll have no life, no friends,

and i will waste my youth &

my last remaining shreds of beauty.

I guess my only eye-candy fix will be me

ogling parents.

Which is, by the way, mad sick.

Sigh,

is it soooo hard to find a guy who likes

pina coladas & getting caught in the rain???????

2010-10-08T23:07:00.006+08:00

Hey diary pig.

The first thing you need to know about me,

after our relationship status became 'estranged',

is that I am THE most honest blogger

you'll ever meet.

Painfully, annoyingly so.

So anyway,

Im thinking of how to chronicle

everything that has happened..

Perhaps i should start with:

I have been unemployed for the past 1+++ month.

HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?

Aren't you bonded

to the company for $20,500?

Hmm.

Perhaps i should have started

with that time i visited a shrink.

You see, it's duh-logy that

i AM kookoo in the head.

But to be certified so

by a skinny, dodgy psychologist?

Crying & pouring out my secrets

in front of a guy i've never met

& probably wouldn't ever meet,

a guy who isn't half interested in anything you say,

just jumping at a chance to diagnose you

with something he just read up about.

"Do you smoke and consume alcohol?

Do you self-mutilate?

Any suicidal thoughts?

Do you have tattoos or piercings?

Do you come from a broken family?

Have you been sexually assaulted before?"

Then,

with a beaming, proud smile,

"AHA! Promiscuous,

impulse control issues,

lack of a father figure, deviant,

moderate to serious conduct disorder."

& then he ushers you out of his room

while he sits back and enjoys another cup of coffee.

& they say I'm sick.

So, now that i'm mentally unsound,

I guess that leaves me unemployed!

I think i'm sick

of being a stuck up individual,

but sometimes i feel i can't help it.

I can't help seeing things.

Seeing things like stupidity,

cheena-ism, insincerity, and false acts.

I think i've got a personality defect,

because i can't be friendly

towards people whom i deem are fake,

or people who are trying too hard

and thus being pathetic.

I think the best advice

anyone has given me,

is that i should learn to

blend in with situations and

NOT be so frickin rigid

and stuck up and unfriendly.

1) WHich is why i've decided to start a 12-step programme (LOL)

2) I am going to

LEARN how to socialise.

3) I am going to

SMILE more often

(even if it makes my face fat.)

4) I am going to

INITIATE conversations.

5) I am going to

SMILE & ASK SOMEONE HOW THEIR DAY IS

(without snorting inside,

at how stupid and meaningless pleasantries are.)

6) I am going to

TOLERATE CHEESY LAME JOKES and laugh along.

7) I am going to

FIND MY PERSONALITY & NOT BE SCARED to act normally.

8) I am going to

STOP INTIMIDATING PPL, ESP CUTE GUYS.

9) I am going to

LEARN how to wipe that cold, aloof look off my face.

10) I am going to

LEARN HOW TO CONVINCE myself to STOP being ARROGANT

because NOBODY IS OUT TO LAUGH AT ME.

(I told you im crazy)

11) I am going to LEARN TO BE HAPPY.

12) I WILL MAKE Que Sera, Sera my mantra.

&, to end on an unrelated note,

I am kind of, in a weird way, mildly upset with what has happened with him.

I guess i imagine myself to be Bill Compton

seeing Sam Merlotte & Sookie together.

You know,

Like, after my vampire sex & mutual blood drinking with Sookie,

she's supposed to be mine forever.

I guess i don't have the mystical hold on anyone.

& i guess we never had sex,

nor drunk each other's blood.

& heck, i wasn't even a Vampire before, was I ?

2010-09-20T20:42:00.002+08:00

Dear diary,

I thought you deserved an update,

on the grounds that I've been going through such a major,

life-changing event.

Yes, it has almost been a week since i evacuated myself

from Westwood Avenue.

I've been handling it really well, no emo-shite and all,

but, well, i did love Westwood.

I used to have a Queen sized bed,

and my room was three times the size of my present one.

I miss running up and down the staircase

& enjoying my inadvertent exercise.

But, oh well.

It's all about compartmentalizing feelings.

Anyway.... I'm living in Choa Chu Kang now!

three super foreign words jumping out of my mouth!

2010-09-01T12:48:00.006+08:00

Dear diary,

I knew this day would come sooner or later.

Packing!!!!!!!!

I super hate packing.

Esp my room on the third floor,

which i have not lived in since two years ago.

As you can expect, everything in my room

has remained exactly the same as i left it two years ago.

Enter:

love letters telling me how

i'll always have someone to turn to,

how i'll never be alone, how i'm loved sosososo much...

yeah, but i was pretty much a bitch who didn't

treasure what she had....again and again history repeated itself.

Right. Then there was

20cent tong-tong-machine balls,

pictures, neoprints, soft toys,

broken beer bottle rings (wtf right),

151 folded hearts made from straws given to me

by that ONE guy that i never should have let go......

( i was young! & stupid! I didn't mean to play him out four times!

If i didn't...i'd be having pretty, ang-moh-fied children!!!)

then, there was jackets/pullovers

that i borrowed (& never returned!)

from guys that are total strangers now...

diaries and papers declaring my unending love

for A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, and Z.

Honestly.

I spent one hour, sitting on my bed, reading my sec 2 and sec 3 diaries.

& i was amazed!

In sec 2,

i could dedicate pages and pages

writing how i loved Wind.,

(i had a major crush on him in three seconds, flat.

I can fall in & out of 'love' as easily as that!)

& even coming up with my own catchphrase,

"我疯风!" which, well, means i'm crazy over wind.

Cue lots of dooodling and embarrassing thoughts like,

" i just want to watch him....can't wait for recess!!!!

i wanna see him!! Maybe smile at him!!! Ahh excited!! i'm so perverted....!!!"

and in a span of three or four months i could have pages and pages

of my ranting and raving about three different guys!!!!

& on the bottom of one page, i even had the cheek to write "KKCGWSL"

& after reading through ONE diary,

from start to end, there were like, well,

K, K, C, G, W, S, L ! Seven different guys. TSK.

& i was only 14.

(Shut up! I didn't have sex with anyone of them ok!

& they all flirted with me first ok!!!

I just enjoyed the attention & disappeared later. Bitch.)

It's like,

after my first r/ship with kc in sec 2,

i was on this "anyhow-whack mode"

& went crazy,

wanting to get into as many r/ships as possible,

just so i could forget all the pain ):

Dumb right, getting affected

& doing stupid things

for a guy who left without saying goodbye.

AH!!

NOW I GET IT!!!

I FINALLY GET IT!!

It's cos he left w/o saying goodbye

& traumatized me thus much,

which is why i have this habit....of doing the same thing.

I finally see the picture, three years later.

Not my fault, he damaged me first.

But, ah, well.

It's all so darn amusing!!

I'd be telling my grandchildren next time,

how irritating their grandma was when she was young!